More then, the feeling that is creeping up on me that perhaps, the notion of directing my life, somehow grasping it by its invisible, slippery metaphorical reins, is not a wise or indeed practical thing to do. That there is a certain illusion of choice and free will, that there may be decisions, yes, but to shape and direct everything? Perhaps some other lifetime, some other path, but apparantly not this one, or at least not in the full frontal attack mode that I am accustomed to, like steering a ship by lifting it up bodily out of the water then plonking it down after turning it in the direction it should be going in. Not efficient.
Karmic inertia, perhaps, or lack of will and discipline. Or just wasted energy pushing at a door marked "pull". The search for an alternative that is beyond what I can see, and beyond what I know I cannot see, is hopefully going to produce a new approach. Something that does not involve crippling amounts of effort expended as if burning so much hydrogen - loud bang, with a wet finish.
On the other hand, I am having fun. I am enjoying my music again, I am having fun dancing tango. what concerns me is my moral character, the fortitude of my personality, etc etc, none of which worrying about has ever managed to improve. There is a battle in my mind, one that should not be taking place - should not, because the enemy is imaginary, as is the conflict, but it is such a deeply ingrained habit to fight! or at lest, to set up positions as if in a fight, coupled with neurotic levels of fear of losing versus a manic swing towards the arrogance of the already victorious.
Unnecessarily abstract? You bet. This is an open journal entry. No specifics, and anyway, specifics are far too dead.